NEW RELEASES
Election results go great with Merlot
Is it over yet? I’m telling you, if tomorrow wasn’t election day, I’d go find a cave and move in till it was all over. As it is, I have a horrifying suspicion that tomorrow won’t be the end. That damn hurricane may cause all kinds of problems no one had previously considered.
What if Florida or some other stupid state has a hanging chad problem or something equally inane and annoying.
I just want it to end. I want all the stupid signs down. I don’t want to see the commercials anymore. I want to read about something else online and in the paper.
Soon.
As for tomorrow – get out and vote. There are people all over the world fighting and dying for that right. Don’t squander it.
Then join me at the cave for a drink.
Probably cheap since it never actually goes outside
My Honey took pity on me, or he really loves me, cause he found me a hockey game this weekend. I’ve been sorta pissy about hockey this year because so far they’ve cancelled October and November and December isn’t looking good either. The stupid billionaires can’t come to an agreement and so the fans mope along.
Fortunately, the University in town has a hockey team. Watching college hockey is as vastly different from professional hockey as watching Sassy’s old ballet recitals compared to the Bolshoi Ballet.
We got down to the arena super early so we went to the Comic convention at the same place. The Bandit was pretty interested in the whole
There’s a rift in the space time continuum – Stormtroopers and Tardis in the SAME PICTURE!.
thing. There was all kinds of good crap for seven year old boys. His daddy bought him comic books and everything.
Sassy however found the entire event disturbing. “Why do all the girls have huge boobs?”
She was right, of course. All the comic book super heroine’s have enormous knockers. “Cause they’re drawn by boys, baby, and you know how boys are.”
“Gross.”
Yep. Even the girls walking around dressed as super heroines were proudly displaying what the good Lord or, as in easily more than half, what a plastic surgeon gave them.
It must be very confusing for the nerds.
Back to the hockey game.
The kids had a great time. I tried to explain the game to them as it flowed along. Mostly, though, they were fascinated by the crowd. My Honey got to do something we rarely get to do but are always overly pleased with our selves when it works out. After one particularly raunchy crowd moment, he turned to me and said, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”
How often do you get to insert an Animal House quote so seamlessly into regular life?
The Bandit’s favorite part was the Zamboni. He’s asked for one for Christmas. I wonder what the insurance runs on something like that?
November 2
Can you believe it’s November already? Us neither. We’ve made it through Hurricane Sandy with nary a breeze but many people we know weren’t so lucky. We’re drinking a toast to all the people who don’t have toast glasses anymore, or electricity to make the ice for the margaritas, or a bed to pass out in afterwards. It’s really awful and not funny at all and we watch the news in horror. But still, if you don’t laugh what else have you got? Won’t you join us in a chuckle over these five things. We did find some Sandy stuff amusing and we hope you agree. 
1. Gov Chris Christie. We admit to being fascinated by Mr. Christie and we’d really like him to slim down a bit so we don’t have to worry about him so much. Just before Sandy made landfall in NJ he was on the news telling his fellow New Jersey-ians that they didn’t need to be on the beach taking pictures of the thirty foot waves. “I’m talking to you!” he said. We love that Christie knows his constituents so well cause don’t you know the very next story is 
showing twenty Jersey boys standing on the beach. Sigh. Some people you just can’t help.
2. Storm Coverage. News reporting has become, shall we say, a bit dumbed down these days. Still, this is the same country where they have to tell you not to blow dry your hair in the bathtub. We like to look at it as thinning the herd. While much of the news films were mouth droppingly awful, some provoked more than a chuckle. One of our favorites showed water gushing into one of the tunnels to NYC. Gushing may not even properly convey the amount of water we’re talking about here and the speed in which it was traveling. It was epic. Still at the bottom of the picture needlessly scrolled, “Tunnel 
Closed.” Just in case some of the Jersey boys wanted to pop on over, we guess.
3. Star Wars. Disney bought Lucasfilm Ltd for 4.05 billion dollars. Disney is promising more Star Wars movies and that excites the hell out of us. Mr. Bright is acting like he won’t go see them, like he’s some sort of Lucas Purist or some bullshit like that. He’s mistaken. Not only will he see it, but it’ll be opening weekend at a 3-D theater. We were considering standing in line now with the rest 
of the nerds until we found out it’s not supposed to open until 2015. Yeah, we have stuff to do, but know that we’re VERY EXCITED. And if anyone wants our opinion, we vote for Quintin Tarrentino to direct!
4. Haunted Mansion. In more Disney related news, someone has built an exact replica of the Haunted Mansion near Atlanta and is auctioning it off on Ebay. It’s 10,000 sq. feet and has 7 bedrooms. There’s a two story library! And is ready for elevator installation. We want this house. We want it bad. So far, the highest bidder is $873,000. If you all want to kick in we can use it like a timeshare. What do you think? Pretty please?
5. Thrice. The word of the week is “thrice”. We had a run in with a very….let’s go with insane, insane customer at Bank of No Forks this week. This person was in no way amusing, more along the lines of really freaking disturbing. Still, when we started digging around in all his stuff we found a letter where he used the word “thrice”. “As I have informed you thrice.” HAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaha. That’s good stuff right there.
Grab your toilet paper and come with me.
This is some serious eye makeup
I showed you the picture yesterday of Sassy and the Bandit’s Halloween costumes. Bandit was covered all over with green Hulk paint which was a remarkably easy cleanup. A run through the shower and he was good. Sassy on the other hand only wore some eyeliner to look more pirate-y.
You’d think that would be pretty easy clean-up, eh? Not if Sassy is involved, I can assure you.
I gave her some gentle Clinique eye make-up remover and a cotton ball. That’s when the screaming began. I stuck my head of the bathroom door and rolled my eyes at My Honey sitting down the hall.
“What the hell is that?” he asked.
I told him she was having a bit of an over reaction, certainly nothing unheard of coming from her.
“I don’t think Nikki Sixx or Tommy Lee ever acted like that and I’m certain they got plenty of eyeliner in their eyes during the ’80s,” he noted.
“Right?” I shook my head. She sounded like I’d given her acetone instead of gentle remover. The good news is, she wasn’t blinded for life.
Afterwards I did what every single parent in America did last night. I went through their candy bags for the good stuff. If you ask me, no 
child ever needs a Butterfinger. I tell my kids they’re poison.
Anyway, I found this in The Bandit’s bag. Granola Thins? Really? Who the hell gives Granola Thins out for Halloween? You’re not going to fool me with that “dark chocolate and peanut butter” bull shit.
I say this calls for vigilante justice. Who’s up for a good TPing? I’m pretty sure that house has tall trees.
Happy Halloween!
My Honey took the kids out this year and I defended the house against marauders like werewolves and vampires and rogue Cleopatras.
A wee Incredible Hulk and a surly pirate wench. Watch your candy!
Look how helpful we are
Voted Most Likely Not to Vote
The Quill sisters do not write blogs about politics because we know you have no interest in our political opinions and, frankly, most of the time we have no interest in our political opinions but – today’s blog is about polling.
That’s the hard part! You already did the hard part!
I find it a great mystery as to why a person would answer their phone, speak to a poll taker and then embarrass the voting eligible human race with the following:
Question: Hello, are you registered to vote?
Answer: Why yes, yes I am.
Question: Have you selected the candidate you would vote for?
Answer: Yes – it’s (it doesn’t matter who).
Now, I think the polling should end right there – except no, it doesn’t end right there. The poll taker asks another inexplicable question.
Question: Are you likely to vote come Election Day?
Nov 6, 2012
Why in the world does that question even need to be asked? The person is registered to vote and they have expressed a preference for one of the candidates. That should be the end of it! Right!?
But no . . . it’s not.
Answer: No, I’m not likely to actually vote.
Who in god’s name is registered to vote, has selected a candidate and then tells another human being that they are too freakin’ lazy to bother to actually vote?????????
Who does that? Who are these people? How does the poll person not start shouting at them? I would.
Poll Person: No disrespect – but are you an idiot? You’re registered to vote, have selected a candidate but you’re not actually going to vote in the election? Are you kidding me?
Then, what does the person say? How can they actually defend themselves after saying something so stupid?
Idiot Non-Likely Voter: “No need to get hostile. I am registered to vote, I have selected a candidate but I’m terribly busy that day. I can’t be expected to keep an open calendar once every four years for fifteen minutes to vote for president of the United States. Geez, I have a life.
It’s next Tuesday. I can call and remind you if needed.
Apologizes to Amylynn, I drove her nuts about this all day. But really, who is registered to vote, picks a candidate and then says they aren’t going to vote??? Who does that?
I need to lie down.
Of all the things I need Child Protective Services to misunderstand
We all went to a Halloween party at my mom-in-law’s house this weekend. Ava, Ed, My Honey and I all dressed as the guys from Duck
Here’s My Honey as Willie Robertson. Dead ringer
Dynasty. My kids, The Incredible Hulk and a pirate, were allowed to come as it was their grandmother’s house and all our babysitters were at the party anyway.
They found another kid at the party and the three of them ran around squealing and having a great time.
Suddenly, The Bandit ran up to us, breathless. “We just got out of the whore house. We barely made it out alive!”
“You did what?” I tried not to shriek but, really, that was quite unexpected.
“We just got out of the whore house. There’s clowns in there.” He was panting from his sugar high and God only knew what else.
“Oh!” I finally got it. “The horror house!”
I really need to work with that kid on his pronunciation.
October 26
Now we remember why we live in the desert. The weather is gorgeous this week. Quick, take note – we are not complaining about the weather. This only happens for a week. Never fear, we’ll be unhappy next week. There is really only a three or four degree variance before we’re uncomfortable again. Oh, and if there’s wind, forget it. We hate wind. Here are five more things we do love.
- 1. Super nifty pictures. Every year, the Nikon Corporation has a contest for photomicrography – which is tech speak for pictures of super small stuff. This year, we fell
in love with this picture. It shows black mastiff bat embryos in progressive stages of development. They look like little aliens, don’t they? Or little wax creatures for Halloween. Ava thinks they’re Yoda babies. What an awesome picture. - Talking whales.We’ve long known that humpback whales make those cool whale
just like the Sisters chatting it up.
sounds. Now they’re studying how a beluga whale is mimicking human voices. When the scientists first heard the noise, they thought it was kids talking. Apparently, they’ve long known that whales, like many other animals, mimic human speech patterns, but they’ve never experienced a whale doing it spontaneously. The Sisters have questions for these whales. Lots of questions. Maybe they can tell us how sand gets inside your underwear even when you don’t go anywhere near the beach.
- Dental floss. Prisoners in Texas are suing to get access to dental floss. I guess we should be happy they’re pretending to floss. Apparently, the prison system has deemed that floss
Wonder if the waxed one is more dangerous?
and the plastic box it comes in are a major security risk. Still there are conscientious inmates who just want to get that gruel out of their teeth so they’re suing. Their jailors say floss can be used to
strangle people, pick handcuffs, and hoist contraband. The thing we’re specifically interested in was using the floss to saw through bars. We’re always looking for a way to break out of Bank of No Forks and apparently it’s plausible. We’re now accepting donations for floss. - The 1st children. There is a fabulous story today about how the President of the USA can’t get his kids to pay attention to him either. We hear he’s said, “Just act like you’re listening to me.” OMG. If the Commander in Chief can’t get them to listen, I don’t know what hope we normal parents have.
Jeez, they’re even holding committee meetings.
Like how many times do we have to gather the children into the bathroom and give them instruction on flushing the toilet? Sweet Jesus, we’re all doomed.
- Sharks. One of the things we want to ask the whales is why the sharks are so pesky. There were golfers in San Juan Capistrano who were a bit shocked when a two pound leopard shark fell out of the sky onto the 12th tee. They say he was scooped up by a bird and then dropped. They implied it was an accident. Riiiiiight. We think the sharks are in collusion with the birds. We posit the sharks aren’t happy just terrorizing us in the ocean. Perhaps the whales can work as intermediaries and we can all have some version of couples therapy.
