I picked up the sports page – yes, I flip through the sports page, but only during hockey season – and what should I find on the front page of the Picayune? Another crying sports figure, and this was an ugly cry, too.

I ask you, when did all this crying start? I hate to use a cliché but I miss the man’s man. The day’s when men didn’t cry at the drop of a hat. I have never seen my father cry and I’m quite happy with that.

Now, don’t think I’m the kind of mom who tells her little boy not to cry. He’s six. He’s allowed to cry. In fact, he cries all the darn time. No wait, that’s his sister. Her I tell to stop crying.

Maybe I’m a horrible person, a politically incorrect bitch, but I rapidly lose respect for men who sob like little girls – especially on television.

First we had Payton Manning crying away at a press conference. I rolled my eyes. Especially after he signed for a truly obscene amount of money with his new team. Ava discussed this with you a couple of weeks ago.

Then there have been a whole rash of basketball players crying over brackets, wins, losses, and missed shots. Good God, get over yourselves. When I have little failures in my job I don’t sit around and cry about it, and believe me, I don’t get paid anywhere near what those bozo’s get paid even when they do lose.

On Sunday night My Honey and I caught an episode of Undercover Boss. I wish I was kidding when I told you that the boss in question cried through the entire show. I’m not talking about getting choked up. I’m talking full-blown, snotty crying. It was absurd. If the president of the Bank of No Forks showed up in my office with a wig and bad clothes and followed me around all day while I showed him all the ways his company is fucked up and then he started bawling about it, there would be zero respect for the man. ZERO.

If it makes you feel better, the same would prove true if that president were a woman. I don’t like criers.

I once worked for a man who happened to be a VP of the company and a former professional athlete. He even wore a championship ring. And the man cried all the time. ALL THE TIME. My first day he called me into his office, asked me to close the door, and proceeded to cry and blow snot for twenty minutes about how hard his freaking life was. All I could think about was how long it would take me to gnaw off my foot and get out of there.

Then there was today’s paper. Bubba Watson won the Masters. I’m really happy for him. It’s fabulous when a person’s dreams come true, but I’m telling you, I would not want this picture on the front of every sports page in America. Not even his mom is crying here and that’s what mom’s are for. Next time, excuse yourself to the bathroom and get it all out before the camera men come along.

There’s an old joke that comes to mind.

Q. When do you see a hockey player cry?

A. When it’s a girl.

I’m going to Costco and I’m getting one of those really big safes. Inside I’m gonna keep the following things because there is NEVER any of these items in my house. I don’t know where they go. Well, that’s not true. I know where they go. My children take them and use them up and hide them in the yard or flat-out lose them.

1. Scissors. I have bought dozens of scissors and, right at this moment, I can’t possibly lay my hands on a pair in the house. Not one. The last time there was a round up, I found three pair in the back yard.

2. Scotch tape. Every Christmas I buy scads of tape on clearance. By Easter, it’s all gone. Gone to the great tape heaven in the sky, I assume, because there is none in the house. It could be because The Bandit has taped his face, the dog, giant pieces of wood, forts, every square inch of his room – well, basically anything slower than him.

3. Writing utensils. There is never a pen, pencil or marker when you want one. Unless you’re looking in the drier. It seems no matter how hard I search the pockets, crayons find their way into the dryer.

4. Remote controls. I believe at one time, pre-children, there were sixteen remotes. Now there is only one that doesn’t work right and it’s probably shoved down a couch cushion.

5. Cordless house phone. See #4. Do not call my house and expect to get an answer. We can hear it ringing but we’ll never find it in time. I suggested we train the bloodhound to find one but he seemed rather uninterested.

6. Flashlights. My children are obsessed with flashlights. It’s inexplicable. And if they don’t physically lose the flashlight, then they break them. We’re talking Maglights here, people. The ones the police use to clobber protesters with. You’d think a 8 & 6-year-old could live in the same house with one without it spontaneously combusting, but no, you’d be wrong.

 I’m buying the super big safe because I’m certain there are things I forgot in this list tonight. If you want, you can lease space in the locker if you have imps in your own house.

We hope the bunny was good to you and brought only the best jelly beans.

Who else thought this was the longest week ever? It’s like someone tried to shove two extra days in there or something. Every time we looked at the calendar, Friday was still four days away. The Sisters don’t approve of this unless it’s during a vacation or Amylynn’s birthday Mardi Gras celebration. Stop trying to pull things over on us, Universe. We don’t like it. We do, however, like these things.

1. Our guard. No, the Quill Sisters don’t have a body guard, although that might not be a totally off the wall thing to consider. The Bank of No Forks has a guard, we just work here. Since we’re here with the guard twelve days a week, we think of him as ours. We’ve had a bunch of different ones, many have smelled bad, or were needy, or were constant talkers. The list of their sins is long and annoying, believe us. Then along came Elio. We love him. He’s in his mid-sixties but that doesn’t bother us. He’s personable, funny and he taught our receptionist how to kill someone with her thumbs. He brings us donuts. We wanted to keep him forever. Don’t you know we discovered today he’s retiring on Friday. He was not interested in my suggestion that he come to work here without pay so the Social Security Administration wouldn’t find out. The only good thing is now there’s retirement cake.

2. Sex for burgers. We read a story in the newspaper about a woman in Florida who was arrested for prostitution when she agreed to have sex with an undercover officer for two double cheeseburgers off the McDonalds Dollar Menu and $40. The policeman bought them for her. Clearly the woman was starving. The story got me thinking that she seriously undervalued herself or WAY overvalued McDonalds. Think of the things she could have asked for instead, especially if she knew she was going to get them. There are some dinners I’d consider doing a night in jail for.

3. Revenge. A man in Iowa was arrested when it was proven via hidden security cameras that he was urinating on his co-workers chairs. The man worked in the Information Technology department. You know what that means, right? He’s the IT guy, the fixer of equipment. You know how we’ve all been frustrated with the help desk that isn’t any help? We’re surprised with the fact that people weren’t peeing in his chair. But let’s face it, there have been people you’ve worked with that deserved a good peeing on their chair and even more, if you know what we mean.

4. Funny husbands. Amylynn’s children touch everything. Everything. It’s ridiculous. No matter how many times they are instructed to leave things alone or how they are threatened, they still touch everything. Ava’s children are older and past that nonsense. Kelli’s only child is an angel and would never consider taking every single pair of scissors out into the back yard. So the children touched My Honey’s computer printer. They touched it in such a fashion as to make it unusable. My Honey has not figured out how to fix it yet, so any time he has homework he emails it to Amylynn and she prints it from the other side of the room. This was the email he sent on Tuesday. Hi. It’s me again. Can you please print this for me? If it wasn’t for your children, I wouldn’t have to keep asking you to do this. So really, this is your fault. Xoxoxox

5. Ava drove. It’s true. Errands had to be completed, lunch to be found and Ava drove. Her car – she’s named it Carly. With Amylynn in it. As a willing passenger. Amylynn will tell you that Ava stayed in the right hand lane the entire five miles to and from their destination, never venturing into another lane until the left turn was imminent. Amylynn casually mentioned this at one point, but then wisely refrained from giving any further advice. Everyone arrived safely, albeit later than they would have had there been a different pilot at the helm. Amylynn and Ava are traveling to Los Angeles this summer and they’re taking Ava’s car. Amylynn will be driving because she’d like to get there eventually. Ava seems on the brink of obsessed that Amylynn start driving Carly now so she’ll be used to her. Amylynn just shakes her head. She’s driven forks lifts and semi’s so she’s pretty sure she can handle a Cadillac.

Alternative Press

Desert City, AZ

“Tag, we’re not it either.”

Apparently the Republican Party isn’t getting the Quill Sisters.

“We don’t know what to tell them, but we’re too busy,” Amylynn reportedly told the representative of the GOP when contacted about running for the VP slot with Mitt Romney. “We have a lot of projects up in the air right now. Besides, we already have really awful jobs.”

“Umm, yeah, no,” Ava agreed. “We don’t think Mittens has a good enough sense of humor to make us hang around with him that much.”

“”You’ll just have to give Mitt our regrets,” Kelli suggested. “We’re too busy keeping our eye on Mexico over here.” Her Sisters howled in laughter at her jest reminding us all of the last VP debacle.

The Quill Sisters was simply the latest in a long line of up and comers to refuse the VP slot for the 2012 election following behind Marco Rubio, Nikki Haley, Tim Pawlenty, and Susana Martinez among others. While it might be considered strange to ask three people to sit in the single seat occupied by the VP, Amylynn reminded this reporter that the Sisters travel in a pack. Besides, they all share the same brain anyway.

Not even these guys are gonna make that happen

“You know, we heard Chris Christie already ate all the cake at Party headquarters,” Kelli noted. Her Sisters nodded in unison at the deal killer.

“Wait a minute,” Ava asked giving the Republican Party a chance to hold their collective breath, “Wait, is there a fuzzy animal in it for us? Yeah,you know what, never mind.”