You know what sucks? Diets. Day time television. Bills in the mailbox. Solicitation calls. Laundry. The Sisters being separated. Chapped lips. There now that we got that out of our systems, we can proceed. How’s the new year treating you? And those resolutions? Did you do any of those or have you come to the realization, like the Sisters have, that making resolutions only leads to disappointment and further weight gain? Speaking of weight gain, Amylynn is disturbed to find that she and Jojo Kittywiggles are getting exponentially fatter the longer she’s off work. The reason this could be happening is because of diet math. We figure if you eat a chocolate donut BUT DRINK A DIET COKE it evens everything out, right? Also, if said donut is stale and therefore not as satisfying as you’d hoped, then it doesn’t count either, right? Fine. We’re shopping for a stylin’ Coach leash so Jojo Pudgywiggles can go walking with Amylynn and the Unemployed WGR. While we moan about that, laugh at some funny stuff.

1. We need a seamstress STAT. It has come to our attention there was a gorilla born in the Oklahoma Zoo some time ago. She was rejected by her mama so she was raised by humans. They wore “hairy vests” while rearing this gorilla. You read that correctly, hairy vests. So it occurred to us, as it probably did you, that we might need to get ourselves a couple of hairy vests when we get those pandas. We checked out Amazon. Did you know you can buy a mink coat on there? Seriously. On Amazon. Minks are cute, but we’d rather have a panda. So we were really disappointed when we Googled that panda bears can see in color. Probably shouldn’t get the cute pink hairy

We are not fooled.

vest then, right? We couldn’t find any panda colored vests, so we’ll might have to convince our mom to get the sewing machine out again.

2. McDonalds is freaking us out. Did you know that there is a potato shortage? Us neither. But that’s making shit go sideways in Venezuela real fast. They’ve started making substitutions like fried yuca for the French fries. It’s an issue in Japan, too, where they’re really going bonkers and putting human teeth in there. YUCK! It’s possible these are separate issues and we’re just confused, but all we’re sayin’ is that there is arguably ONE reason to go to McDonalds and that is for the fries. No one in Venezuela would be happy if we got fried yuca in our bag instead. Not us. Not the McDonalds employee. And not the yuca suppliers. Come on, Idaho. Get a move on. Things are getting desperate out there.

3. Urban Myth realized. A woman in San Diego thought it would be a regular day. Things seemed to be proceeding

The actual snake and toilet

normally until she went to the bathroom and thought the water was a bit too high in the tank. So she plunged it. And a giant ass snake slithered up. We imagine her next course of action here was to scream, but the accounts in the newspaper don’t specify. Let’s just assume she screamed. We would have. Anyway, she fled the bathroom and Scotch taped the door closed and called the police. We think that was a brilliant move on her part, although we might have gone directly for the flame thrower. It was determined to be a 5 1/2 foot Colombian rainbow boa. The owner of the snake turned out to be the tenant upstairs. Still, we can’t find any reasonable explanation on the internet for how the hell snakes get in toilets in the first place. We suspect there are bathroom phobias developing in San Diego at an alarming rate these days.

4. Fiesty grandmas. We don’t know if it’s because of all the snow, but things are getting crazy in Hamilton, Montana. A 62 year-old woman named Joyce has been charged with felony intimidation and misdemeanor assault when her roommate Jeanne accused her of running her over with her walker. Jeanne was standing in the hall with her own walker when Joyce exited her bedroom with her walker. Apparently Joyce told Jeanne to move it or she was gonna mow her down. (You notice this isn’t in quotes because we’re extrapolating the conversation based on our own interpretation of how this went down.) Jeanne didn’t move and the mowing commenced causing Jeanne to fall. Here’s the best part and we’re not making it up. Joyce claims it was an “accident” but that she did threaten to kill Jeanne if she called the police. Be careful out there. Joyce has not entered a plea and remains free on her own recognizance.

5.  Silver bullets are out of the question. The president of Argentina adopted a boy in order to keep him from turning into a werewolf. So that really happened. Sadly the story isn’t as salacious as we’d hoped. According to folklore in Argentina, the seventh son born to a family will become a “el lobison”. He’ll show his true nature the first Friday after he turns thirteen wherein he will turn into a demon at midnight and be doomed to hunt and kill, as well as feed on excrement, unbaptized babies, and the flesh of the recently dead. Don’t you think that’s weirdly specific? If he’s “adopted” by the president, then he’s the first son, see. We bet what happened is that some Argentinian mother got a whiff of her unwashed, recently turned 13 year-old boy and nearly gagged. We’re very familiar with this issue.

We have found our doppelgänger. Well, our doppelgänger if we’re not counting looks. If we’re counting attitude and excitement levels. This dude is already an Honorary Quill Sister after watching only one show.

So here’s the deal.

There’s a new show on A&E called Wild Transport. The conceit is that you get to ride along as this company transport wild animals from zoos and sanctuaries to others. One of the guys, Rick, acts EXACTLY like we would in these situations.

At one point, he’s outrageously excited about playing and cuddling with two Bengal tiger cubs in a hotel room all night. When that doesn’t work out – not for the reason you’d suspect – the transport team has to spend the night sleeping in the truck with the cubs and their gigantic tiger parents in the trailer in the back. Even then, he’s over the moon excited.

“Can you believe we get to spend the night in the truck with tigers!” he says, eyes wide with excitement.

I’m telling you, Ava and I would be exactly the same. Now I need to figure out how I can get a job over there.

Hey! Wild Transport people! We’re your gals. Seriously. Call us. We’ll pay our own way over there and everything.

So now that the kids are back in school I’m working really hard on finishing that darn book. This has been my hardest one yet – when it comes to research. Gads, it’s just been exhausting.

I don’t have any extra words to give you today. Wanna know why?

I have a few things that sustain me.

Chocolate.

Molesting Jojo Kitty while he sleeps on my desk. That poor cats gets an obscene amount of kisses. He puts up with a lot.

And this.

There was snorting when we watched this. In fact, we snorted so loud, Jojo Kitty came over to see what was going on. We defy you not to snort.

Seriously? This person has a baby koala hanging on their leg? Where do I apply?

My kids go back to school tomorrow!

They’re not nearly excited as I am about this. I found a gif that totally represents how I’ve felt with them this two weeks.

There is so much I want to do this week.

1. Eat yummy breakfast. Then go to buy some healthy diet food.

2. Go to Starbucks and slowly sip a latte until I’m done instead of racing in and out of there like a maniac.

3. Eat lunch with Ava and the Unemployed World’s Greatest Receptionist (UWGR). NOT at Chipotle.

4. I need new glasses before my insurance runs out. I dropped them and there’s a huge chunk out of the right one and it’s driving me crazy.

5. Probably MOST important: Write 5 chapters. I need this book to get done ASAP. Deadlines are looming, and I’m getting a bit freaked out.

Ready yourself world. I’m gonna be out there among you. UWGR and Ava will be with me at least some of the time and I’m crazy excited about that. There will not be any child distractions so you’ll have my undivided attention.

God be with you.

For the 5 Things this week, we thought we’d all enjoy a look back at our favorite Things from 2014. We enjoyed going back through all 52 weeks and reading those posts all over again. We don’t know about you, but we think we’re funny. Hilarious at times. Sarcastic mostly. Absurd consistently. It’s like we’re channeling Monty Python and Dorothy Parker at the same time, which is totally confusing. What is even more bizarre is that, in person, we’re just as baffling. See if you agree with our choices.  Even if you don’t, you’ll probably still laugh. Or at least snort. Maybe just shake your

We would like to point out that this is a depiction of a womb–not a portrait.

head, perplexed. What ever. Just enjoy yourselves. We’ve included the links to the original posts, too, so you can read the whole darn thing if you want to. Here we go.

1. January 17 – New weight loss plan. We figure with the new year starting and all those weight loss goals waiting ahead, this was a good way to start off the year. Additionally, there is an inside joke that arose after the initial posting of this Thing that still cracks us up. Trust us here–it was ridiculous. Here we go. Swedish doctors are implanting new (well, new to them anyway) wombs in women who are unable to use their own. After we got over the ick factor, we thought we’d be happy to give up our wombs. After all, we’re not using them anymore.  They’re just taking up valuable space in there. How much does a womb weigh anyway? Seven pounds or so, we speculate. Anyone interested in a gently used womb, let us know. We’d love to go to Sweden – assuming the pilots can get us to the right airport.

2. February 14 – The puppy savior. We had A LOT of posts about animals and our deep and abiding desire for many of them. Over the course of the year we only managed to pick up two kittens. No moose. No koala. No Quoka. Well, it’s a new year. Here it is. Everyone on the planet has heard of Gus Kenworthy and his plan to save the puppies of Sochi. If you haven’t, go here. We have a theory that it’s all an elaborate plan to get laid. Don’t misunderstand. We adore Gus for doing what he’s doing, and we’d have done the same thing. Maybe all the estrogen boiling over across the world is a lovely karmic side effect. Whatever. Gus deserves what ever he gets. By the way he won a silver medal for his event. Don’t ask us what it was called. Some insane crap on skis that we’re never giving our children permission to do. We also think that the puppy he’s holding here should be named Bernard.

3. May 16 – Everyone needs a hobby. Now that one of us is unemployed and the other is furiously unhappy about her employment status, we thought we should take another look at this story. There is some serious possibility with this. Here we go. We’ve been trying to figure out how to fill our days at Bank of No Forks and we have recently been inspired by a 34-year-old hairdresser from Virginia. She is now among the world’s most elite counterfeiters. She discovered that she could erase the ink from five dollar bills by soaking them in “Purple Power” degreaser and rubbing them with toothbrushes. She dried the blank, water-marked bills with a hairdryer, then ran them through an HP printer and TADAA! Now she had fifty and one hundred-dollar bills. Did you know Amazon will deliver a five gallon bucket of that degreaser for $58.00. We’re just sayin’.

4. August 29 – No Gnomes known. We have lots of ideas for shenanigans that never come to fruition. We blame the fact that we’re basically lazy. When we were younger, we would have totally orchestrated something like what happens in this story. Oooooh, the possibilities are numerous.  We can’t explain why they use garden gnomes, but the Socialist Party placed about 400 of them about 3 yards off the ground on lamp posts in Vienna.  Unfortunately for them, they were stolen.  Blame has been placed on the People’s Party, who deny all involvement.  We don’t really care about the theft beyond wondering what the criminals are planning on doing with those gnomes.  Will they replace them all over Vienna?  Will all 400 be placed together like the terra-cotta warriors?  Terra cotta is used to make flower pots, right?  So garden gnomes are almost exactly like, but totally different from, the terra-cotta warriors, right? Our new idea would be to have them all show up at the Socialist Party headquarters and stare in the windows with derision.

5. November 28 – We need a koala. There were also several mentions of politicians in our roster this year. There was another story when we considered running for political office when we learned they get to adopt lions. This might be our year. The G20 Summit was held this month in Brisbane, Australia. All the leaders of the world show up to discuss important things like ending the Ebola epidemic and fixing the economy. This is important stuff, we think we’ll all agree. But the most important thing happened when the koalas showed up. It seems the Sisters are never in the right place at the right time. You can’t believe how envious we are that they got to actually HOLD A KOALA. No one will even let us touch one. Damn it! The Sisters are considering running for president. Two women are better than whatever else they can come up with. We don’t really want the job, but the perks are outrageous.

Last night, for New Year’s Eve, My Honey’s band was playing a party. I sent the kids to their grandmother’s house and off we went. The host house was relatively small, and the bands were extraordinarily loud so, as a unit, the wives listened from outside. I always explain that, between My Honey and I, one if us needs to be able to hear the kids sneaking out of the house in a couple of years. My Honey would appreciate this joke if he could hear it. HA! I kid. He hears every sarcastic thing I say.

The only problem with listening from outside was the cold. It was bitterly cold for a desert night. We’ve been running in the neighborhood of 50-55 degrees and then all of a sudden it was 30 degrees and raining. We were wearing shorts on Christmas for god’s sake. Yesterday, it rained all day and all night . That is until around 11. Then it snowed.

Seriously. Snow.

Photo borrowed from our friend and fellow author, Mary Tate Engles – find her at www.marytateengles.com

This is really unusual and therefore dramatic and exciting. First it was barely snow, then slushy snow, then lots of snow, and then HUGE gentle flakes to top everything off.

So there we wives were, most of the others were drunk or rapidly approaching so, I had a pocket full of candy kisses, and we liberated a box of cookies from the house. We huddled around an outdoor fireplace in the carport. The wood was wet so we had smoke. Lots of smoke. Thick, nasty, eye-watering inducing smoke.

By the time I came home I smelled like I’d been in a campfire for a week.

I washed my hair vigorously and then left the conditioner on for a really long time.

After I got dressed and took the towel from around my head, I smelled the unmistakable smell of burnt mesquite. (I made My Honey smell it like it was his fault. “Smell this! SMELL IT!” I said and shoved my head in his face. He puts up with a lot.)

ARRRRRRG! I marched back to the bathroom and shoved my head back under the faucet and used some rosemary shampoo and conditioner for another round.

An experimental sniff proved it was still a bit smoky. Oh my god. I’m going to have to shave my head. My daughter suggested I use her strawberry scented detangler.

So now I smell like a fire raged in a rosemary field and someone tried to put it out with strawberries.

Someone wished me a “Merry New Year!” today. I said “Don’t you mean Happy?” Nope – he said he was feeling “Merry” still from last week and he was going with it. Good for him.

The next person I talked to I wished a “Groovy New Year” to. She said “Don’t you mean Happy?” I told her I was feeling “Groovy” and that’s the way it was going to be. I told her the story of the man I’d meant earlier and she agreed to pay it forward and would wish everyone a “Spectacular New Year”. I heard her say that to the barrista in the Starbucks we were in when I was on my way out so she was true to her word.

I told all of my co-workers the story and near the end of the day we all shouted “Joyous New Year!” to our boss and laughed like fools. He must have thought we were drunk because he sent all home earlier then he was supposed to. That brought us all great JOY. See – it works!

Thanks “Merry” guy from the morning. So, everyone have whatever type of “New Year” you’re feeling. You be you!

What are you planning for New Years Eve?