It’s 68 degrees in the desert today. That Polar Velociraptor is out of control. Velociraptor. Vortex. Whatever. It’s awful. Something must be done right away. How can we be expected to live when it’s under 70 degrees? It’s inhuman with the clouds and breezes and such. What are we expected to do? Wear layers? And socks? Outrageous. There should be a committee about this or something. Who do we write to? While we crank that heater up to 72 you can read what other shenanigans have been going on.

1. National Jigsaw Puzzle Month. That’s right. We at Bank of No Forks have been single-handedly keeping the second-hand jigsaw puzzle industry afloat for the last several years. We were delighted when we found out that an entire month has been dedicated to our efforts. We are damn fine puzzlers. We’re very proud and humbled to accept this honor. We’d like to thank the Goodwill for keeping us stocked up on puzzles costing less than $3 and for having MOST of the pieces in the box. We never could have done this without you.

2. The Captain and Tennille. The Captain and Tennille are getting a divorce after 39 years of marriage. While it’s true that we’re not really that upset about it, it’s a shame when any marriage ends, but it’s their life and all. We don’t even know them. What we really need to look at is the big picture here. Who is getting custody of the muskrats? Who? WHO? For God’s sake, think of the tiny mammals, people. We’re just heartbroken over the whole thing.

3. Wee South African Rabbits. So there is a huge sculpture of Nelson Mandela – the biggest one ever. It’s 29.5 feet tall. It seems that the government wouldn’t allow the artists to sign it so they came up with another solution. They tucked a wee, floppy-eared bunny in his ear as their signature. The government is incensed over it. The artists have apologized, having meant no disrespect. PETA has petitioned the Arts and Culture Minister to adopt the statue. If you think this whole thing has gone off the rails, you’d be 100% correct. We can’t even tell you how thrilled the Sisters would be to have bunnies in our ears. As soon as we do something significant with our lives and a statue is commissioned, we’re going to mention this.

4. Thinking things through. Bill Cosby has a skit where he explains why he never has to do anything around the house (chores, taking care of the children, etc). He says he does a really bad job, so bad in fact that his wife won’t let him do it anymore deciding he’s just too stupid. The man is a genius. Sometimes people carry this a bit too far. Take for instance the mother and son in Alabama who were cleaning up the yard after their property was strewn with toilet paper by the neighborhood kids. They had some trouble getting it all out of the tree so they decided the best plan would be to set it on fire. As you can see from the picture, chaos ensued. The best part is the toilet paper is still in the tree.

5. Sometimes the call is deafening. We’ve never had a yearning for Taco Bell. Ever. Still, it must happen to some people because the business is thriving. In Maryland, a man who identified himself as Squirrelsoup put an ad on Craigslist for someone to come fetch him to Taco Bell through the snow storm because he was too drunk and he suspected his wimpy car wouldn’t make it. He said in the ad, “Seriously my desire for tacos right now is totally unmanageable.” He offered to pay the chauffeur “in tacos, or possibly a seven-layer burrito if [they] asked nicely.” Taco, no. But if we were drunk and it was snowing, we might put an ad up for someone to take us to the bakery. When you need cake, you need cake. No fooling.

This is a real thing. Anyone with a cat knows they have lots of questions. We suspect some of them are pretty rude and personal, but we’re game.

Geddy Cat and Jojo Kitty. Joe is NOT small so just how big IS Geddy?

We sat our cats down, Rickey, Geddy and Jojo Kitty, and asked them what they wanted to know. Mostly they sat there, watching us with lazy eyes and randomly licking themselves. Typical.

This is what we managed to infer.

What takes you so long to feed us in the morning? We feed you promptly as soon as we get up. Sooner than we feed ourselves. Your demands are outrageous.

Why do you expect us to eat the food at the edges of the bowl? That food is tainted. Do you see how the dogs eat ALL their food – even the food on

Ricky is obviously very full of himself – with reason.

the edges? Even the food on the floor. And the garbage. OK – they’re a bad example. Still, you can eat all the food in the bowl and it won’t harm you. Seriously. We don’t need to give you fresh food every single time we pass your bowl.

All right, fine. Then will you leave the sink running when you go to work? We like our water fresh. Then you probably shouldn’t drown all your toys in your water bowl and then it would be very fresh. Or at least less catnip-y.

Why must you always kiss my belly. What’s you’re weird obsession with that? Honestly, we can’t help it. Kitty cat bellies are one of the best things in the entire world. Nothing beats a warm, fuzzy, polka-dotted belly. If you want your food bowl serviced then you’re going to have to put up with it.

Where do the people go when you turn off that box in the living room? I stare and stare at it but they won’t come back until you come home. Um, yeah. That’s the television. Those people aren’t real. We’ve told you before they’re never going to come out and play with you. Please stop batting at the television.

Well, there you go. We guess this is over. One of the cats wandered off, another went to sleep under the bed, and the third is poking around in the food bowl. It really seems like instead of a question and answer session, this was really more of an opportunity for the cats to air their grievances.

Nevertheless, this has been another public service of The Quill Sisters. You’re welcome.

As promised, here’s An Engineer’s Guide to Cats 2.0 – The Sequel.

I love these guys. And their cats.

My Honey got me tickets to see my favorite NHL hockey team for Christmas, and the game was this weekend.

It was everything you can hope for in a  professional sporting event.

1. There were drunk people in front and behind us. That’s always super enjoyable. The woman in back was a Devils fan which made her extra obnoxious. As for the woman in front, I couldn’t decide for quite some time whether she was drunk or stupid. Ultimately, I decided on both.

The captain is my favorite player!

2. Beer was $11. Seriously. How is that even conscionable? It’s a damn good thing I don’t drink beer. I do however love $5 stale popcorn.

3. My guys rocked! I’m delighted to tell you that my Phoenix Coyotes beat the New Jersey Devils 3 to 2. It was glorious. My first NHL game and my boys pulled it off.

4. My Honey was disappointed in the lack of a fight. There was a big of pushing and shoving I thought might escalate, but all in all it was a good game with few penalty minutes.

We spent the night in a hotel using free points. It was a perfectly fine hotel. With one very odd thing. There were a series of doors – wee tiny doors, some at ground level, others up high.

I could only assume they were for elves and fairies. What else could possibly explain it?

We’d like to say happy birthday to Michelle Obama. Turning 50 is a big deal. One of the Sisters is doing that this year and the other one is tired of hearing about it already. Is Barak being supportive or is he more like, shut up and eat your cake? Speaking of cake – one of our all time favorite topics – what kind are you having? We better not hear that it’s some sort of vegan, glutton free cake or we’re going to be seriously disappointed. We hope it’s a fabulous day no matter what kind of cake you’re eating. Maybe you’ll get a ’69 Camaro. Or a kitten. If you get the kitten, make sure you check out thing #5. Alright, here we go… 

1. Sugar. Sweet, sweet sugar. We’ve been fascinated with 3D printing ever since we heard such a thing existed. In fact, they were a Favorite Thing on June 22, 2012. Now they’ve created 3D printers that work in sugar and water, making anything you can dream up out of sugar. Can you imagine where the dessert industry is going to go with this? Imagine the wedding cake toppers they could make. We’re not exactly sure how this new technology is going to fit into our lives, but be assured that as soon as we come up with something we’ll be wanting one of these. There’s sugar involved and, if we’re lucky, cake.

2. Was the GPS recalculating? Two pilots were suspended this week for landing at the wrong airport and nearly skidding off the wrong runway which was much too short. At first glance, this seems appalling does it not? What the hell kind of pilots land at the WRONG AIRPORT? Were they drunk? What? Turns out the “wrong” airport was only seven miles away from where they were supposed to be. We can see the mistake. The Sisters get lost all the time. That’s why no one flies with us. The wrong airport is designed for little planes – you know, the kinds with propellers. Imagine the look of shock when a Boeing 737 plopped out of the sky.

3. New weight loss plan. Swedish doctors are implanting new (well, new to them anyway) wombs in women who are unable to use their own. After we got over the ick factor, we thought we’d be happy to give up our wombs. After all, we’re not using them anymore.  They’re just taking up valuable space in there. How much does a womb weigh anyway? Seven pounds or so, we speculate. Anyone interested in a gently used womb, let us know. We’d love to go to Sweden – assuming the pilots can get us to the right airport.

4. Bizarre marketing decisions. American Apparel has been known for making massive public relations blunders. If you don’t know of any, just Google it. They’re all over the place. For instance, they don’t want fat or uncool people shopping there. Then along came this week. This is truly the most bizarre idea we’ve ever seen floated. They’ve added pubic hair to their mannequins. WTF? Really. WTF? If you can answer that, then perhaps you can explain why they chose this style of pubic hair. Decidedly uncool. The whole thing is so strange we don’t even have sufficient words. Congratulations, American Apparel. We’re speechless.

5. Kick ass cat. We’ve been sitting around for months, complaining that our cats get no respect from the dogs in our house. When our cats attack them, the dogs don’t seem even a little bit afraid. Also, the cats have expressed in their non-verbal way that they would like to appear more fearsome to human visitors when they visit the house. This is communicated mostly by dismissive glances and pouting. Thanks to the internet, we have found a solution. We’re going to buy this. Granted, it’s a bit expensive at £312.38, but what price is too much for cat dignity?

The Sisters like “mini” stuff.  Mini muffins, mini kids, Minnie Mouse, etc.  If it’s tiny and cute, we’re in.  If it’s mini and a pet, get out of the way and save yourself.

We recently became aware of Falabella Miniature Horses.

We. Want. One.  We want one right away.

The smaller ones are the size of a medium dog.  Seriously.  Just picture us walking three dogs and a horse.  All the same size.  How confusing will that be for the drunks in the park?

THIS ONE!!!!

Amylynn’s husband says she can have one if she can find one.  That man is either a saint or totally nuts.

Now we’re on a mission.  So, how about it Falabella people?  Any adorable itty bitty horses that need a home in Arizona?