My aunt, another cat lover – one’s who’s a little more sane than Ava and I (but, honestly, the difference is marginal. (Love you, Debby ;0) ), sent me this.

It’s hysterical. Especially if you know Engineers.

Next week I’ll get you the 2.0 edition – that is if I’m not too scratched up after trying that yodeling thing.

You’re welcome.

I have to admit it – I acted like a five-year old child this morning on my way to work.

All over our fine county we have speed radar cameras.  The contract for them was up at the end of 2013 and the county wisely decided not to renew.  Everyone hated those cameras.  Not because we were speeding but because of the idiots who would slow down to twenty miles per hour as they went through the area.  That was more of a hazard than the speeders.  No matter how many times the newspaper printed that a ticket wouldn’t trigger unless you were going more than eleven miles over the speed limit – some fool, right in front of you, would jam on the breaks as if said dunce just realized the cameras were there.  Additionally, you could just flip your visor to obscure the photo.  See, no need to drive like it’s your first day behind the wheel.

Back to me – there is a sign about fifty yards before you get to the camera telling you the camera trap is there (note to whoever is in charge of that – that’s dumb if you’re trying to catch speeders, just sayin’).  This morning, the sign had been covered over in plastic.  WooHoo, I thought . . . and then I had an evil childish thought – I’m going to speed through the area once and for all.

So, I did.

Yep, I barreled through that section of road going far more than eleven miles per hour too fast.  And it felt good, good I say.  I’m a rebel.

Until I saw that police car in my rearview mirror . . .

Today is National Peculiar People Day. That’s pretty awesome, don’t you think? Imagine our surprise when we didn’t get any greeting cards in celebration. Who knew this wasn’t a Hallmark holiday. Why isn’t it, exactly? The whole thing seems patently unfair to us. There should be cake and cards and possibly the traditional singing telegrams. When will the Peculiar People get their due? Peculiar People Unite! We’re starting a petition. Here are some other things that amused us. You may agree whether you’re peculiar or not.

 1. Frank Underwood. We’ve been watching the first season of House of Cards at Bank of No Forks this week. Holy Cow! That is some serious television. If you’re not watching you should be. Frank Underhill is…well, wow. He scares the ever loving crap out of us even while we marvel at how smooth and charming he is. If you thought Kevin Spacey was great as Verbal Kint, then he’s astounding as the most terrifying man in Washington D.C. Go watch it. Season 2 starts February 14th. Happy Valentine’s Day, Frank. We totally love you.

2. Kevin Richardson. We hadn’t intended today’s blog to be Our Favorite Kevins, but it turns out there’s two of them this week. Kevin Richardson is the lion whisperer. He’s the fellow whose video we showed you the other day. We need to meet this guy because if we ever have a chance of kissing a lion on the belly, he’s our best shot. We can fly out Monday on South African Airlines for $1,879.00. The flight will take 23 hours including a layover in New York, but it’s totally gonna be worth it. We’re gonna make sure our health insurance covers mauling. We’ll send a postcard.

3. Cheese. Did you hear that there is a Velveeta shortage? Apparently there is and the people at Kraft are all worked up over the fact that Super Bowl Sunday is coming and there may not be enough to go around. Apparently there is a big call for fake-cheese nachos during the game. So we figure if we go to the grocery store and buy it all up, then we can sell it on the black

This owl is NOT amused.

market to pay for our trip to Johannesburg. Or make our co-payments to the hospital afterwards.

4. Owl defamation. There was a fellow this week in Massachusetts who was arrested for drunk driving, but not until he crashed his car in the snow, ran through the woods, and climbed in a tree, evading the police and their dogs for over an hour in single digit temperatures with no coat. They found him 30 feet up in a fir. When they told him to come down, he declined stating he was an owl. Ultimately, they had to practically cut the tree down with a chainsaw and use the fire department’s cherry picker to extract him. He was charged with about a zillion crimes, but we think he should be more worried about the law suits the owl’s are filing.

5. More cheese related news. Now this story is beyond weird. Wisconsin is using excess cheese to de-ice the roads. And Kraft said there was a shortage. Pishaw! The Public Works Departments says provolone or mozzarella are the best as they have the highest salt content. Seriously. If we were going to make this up, we never would have chosen cheese. That’s just weird. Can you even imagine how that place must smell this time of year? Jeez –  you leave your cheese grader dirty in the sink one night and it smells like death. It’s a good thing were heading to South Africa and not Wisconsin. Unless there are lions to be kissed over there. Then we’ll just plug our noses and suck it up.

Every parent, at one time or another, thinks having children was a bad idea. The Sisters do not believe anyone – not one single person – who refuses to admit this unalienable truth. It’s just the way it is. Children may be funny and life affirming and ultimately make you proud, but they’re still very annoying and unfathomable people. It doesn’t matter how much you love your kids, even Bill Cosby thinks they’re crazy.

Recently, we’ve been considering selling ours and we’ve come up with a couple of ideas to investigate.

Congress – talk about annoying. Our children will hardly even be noticed with all the Congress people’s childish fighting, tattling, and, most likely, smacking each other in the bathroom just like our own kids. We suspect we could locate more than one Congressional individual who’d give us a couple of bucks for four youngsters perfectly able to run for coffee.

The Circus – just think, they’d never have to take baths again. We’re certain the kids would like that. Maybe they’ll finally learn how to feed the animals. And if they don’t like shoveling puppy poop then, ooooooh, are they going to be unhappy when they find what the elephants left for them.

Gypsies – This one is very similar to the circus option above, plus even more travel! If you really think about it, we’d be giving our children the opportunity of a lifetime to visit the world. AND if we manage to make enough money in the exchange to take a nice vacation and buy some new carpet wouldn’t that be wonderful? Besides, it’s not our fault there’s a Jell-O stain on the carpet.

Merry Maids – Seriously. Isn’t this the most delightfully ironic thing you’ve ever heard? Instead of just making our homes look like frat houses, they could clean ACTUAL frat houses. Then maybe there’d be more respect for urinal aim.

This excites us so much we can hardly keep from twirling our Snidely Whiplash mustaches.

Believe it or not, it was My Honey who showed me this so anything that happens from this point on is totally his fault.

Before we even get to the lioness and her babies, let’s talk about this fellow.

Could Kevin Richardson be any cuter? Handsome face, excellent goatee. And that accent, dear Lord. When he kisses that cub on the head, I swear to God my ovaries itched.

If you don’t want a lion after watching that you must be dead. Or not realize that lions are fuzzy. You understand they’re fuzzy, right? Those freaking cubs are just not fair. Those little squawks and peeps. Then they yank on their mama’s tail. I’m just sayin’, twitchy uterus.

We need a lion, bad.

For quite some time now, the Sisters have been wanting their own apartment.  Not because we don’t like our families but, because, you know, sometimes you just need a quiet moment to think or not hear the word “MOM!” shouted repeatedly.  We’ve looked around town trying to locate something small and cheap but clean.  We pretend it’s going to happen.  We talk about it like it will.  In fact, we talk about it so much that we have other women who want to go in on it with us.  Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to find what we’re seeking and we’ve decided to expand our geographic limits.

Enter Portugal!

Turns out Portugal has a birth problem due to it’s lack of jobs and high unemployment.  People of child-bearing years are moving to other countries or putting off having children until things improve.  Portugal has the lowest birth rate in Europe.  What’s that got to with your search for an apartment – you say?  Well, when the economy is bad and people stop having kids, the Sisters think CHEAP REAL ESTATE and, good gods, NO Children!  SOLD!

We’ve contacted House Hunters International to begin the search.  Wish as luck!!!

There are some days I’ve used up all my words. I’ve spoken so much, babbled away endlessly, that I’ve run out of words by the end of the day.

That is today.

Instead I’ll show you why I don’t like flying.

The geniuses at BirdBoxStudios

I was digging through The Bandit’s backpack tonight in preparation for his return to school tomorrow morning. I found what I was expecting: a bunch of wadded up school work (some finished, some not), Scholastic magazines, unidentified food, Army men, etc.

What I wasn’t expecting was finding a letter. It was tucked in a regular business size envelope with a “stamp” from the American Lung Association in  the corner.

Curiosity won out and I opened it. This is what I found.

Dear Mom and Dad

Thank you for all the gifts, but the best gift I could ever have is you guys. Guys ,I love you even when I say I hate you. The best gift I got all Christmas is you. I love you guys, and tacos, but mostly you.

Your loving son,

The Bandit.

Wow, right? More than tacos? He really does love and appreciate us. I feel all squishy inside.

And hungry for Mexican food.

10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . . 7 . . . okay, you know the drill . . . Happy New Year!!!!!  There were fire works, there were bands playing, there were people over the house and all the Sisters wanted was to be left alone to ring in the New Year with as few people as possible.  Both were in their pajamas by 10!  We consider that a major triumph and here’s the other triumphs of the week:

1. Smith is nice. There is a woman in Honolulu who has been fighting with the Hawaiian Department of Transportation  to get her whole name on her driver’s license. What the hell is the problem? you ask. Put her stupid name on the card we say. Then you find out that her name is Keihanaikukuaukahihuliheekahaunaele. Swear to God. It’s 36 letters long. Her first name is Janice, because of course it is. We’re seriously proud of this woman. You know the guy down at the DMV looked at her like she was a crazy person and still she didn’t back down. Good for you Janice Whatever-the-hell-your-name-is. We’re proud of you. The Patron Saint of pain’s in the ass.

2. Exploding Duck. We want to make absolutely certain you understand that this was not a real duck. We do not support the exploding of real ducks. Ducks are super cute. They’re also yummy when crispy and covered in l’orange. This duck was 59 feet and sitting in a harbor in Taiwan. It was going to do the New Years Eve countdown. Or not. Instead it just exploded for no apparent purpose. The authorities are trying to blame eagles. They say they scratched it with their giant claws. So are jealous eagles going to be the scapegoat of 2014? Alright. We can roll with that.

3. Fireworks.  You think you know fireworks, right?  Well you don’t . . . not until you see the Dubai fireworks extravaganza of 2014 you don’t.  Dubai made a concerted effort to make the Guinness Book of World Records for the largest fireworks display. They did it from the tallest tower in the world. They set off 500,000 fireworks in 6 minutes. Wow, right? They beat the previous record in the first minute.  Time Square is going to have to rethink that whole tiny ball thing they’ve got going on for the past million years.

4. Red Lobster. We’d heard a very serious rumor that Red Lobster was closing. We didn’t like that news. No matter that we can’t remember the last time we were in a Red Lobster (it was Dec 5th – Ava), but the fact that we might never be able to go there again was very disconcerting. We love Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Who doesn’t? They are proof that, if there is a God, he loves us. A lot. In response, we scoured the internet and we think the first rumor was misinformation. Nevertheless, you should get to a Red Lobster right away and remind them that you love them.

5. Four wee bundles of joy. Our zoo had baby lions. Five of them actually, but one didn’t make it. Five cubs is a really rare litter. There is one girl and three boys growing and snoozing in a snuggly den just waiting for us to sneak in and cuddle them. What do you suppose the zoo would do if we called up and asked very nicely if we could come over and kiss their bellies?  They’d let us in right? We’re putting you down for references if they ask. Say something nice.

This Youtube channel was brought to my attention by The Bandit. He thought they were very funny so he made me watch them. Much to my amazement, I thought they were funny, too. Who’d have thought? Usually anything the 8-year-old boy thinks is over-the-top funny includes a fart joke or something even less high brow.

These are actually very charming.

I chose this one to start you off because he talks about both political parties not being able to agree on anything, so he comes up with something we can all agree on.