NEW RELEASES
You can’t go home again.
One of the girls from work turned me on to Cozi TV. This station plays classic shows from when we were kids. I was super excited when I found out they play Fantasy Island.
Da’ plane! Da’ plane!
Admit it. You read that in Tattoo’s voice, didn’t you? Of course, you did. It’s OK to admit it.
Anyway, this station plays The Six Million Dollar Man and TSMD Woman. Jeez, I hadn’t seen those in forever.
So we turned on an episode of TSMD Man with the full expectation of being as amazed and enamored of Lee Majors as Steve Austin.
That didn’t happen, and I’m really disappointed in that development.
Turns out you can’t watch these old shows with the same suspension of disbelief you had when you were a kid.
As I watched Steve Austin pick up the back-end of a full-size van with his bionic arm, all I could think was, “Hey, his body 
mechanics wouldn’t really allow that to happen no matter how strong his arm was. His back and core would never be able to sustain the weight of that van.”
When I said this out loud My Honey gave me an outraged look. “It’s television,” he said in a voice that suggested he thought I might be over thinking the whole thing.
“Oh, really?” I retorted. “This from the man who pointed out all the plot holes of Rudolph’s Shiny New Year last week?”
Television used to be much better back when we were stupid.
Happy New Year
I was Googling pictures of Victorian New Years for our blog for today and this came up.
What the hell is this? A potato? With eyes or are those warts? Why? Doesn’t this make you wonder what the hell was going on with the Victorians? Is this potato supposed to be scary or funny or what? Why would a potato need an umbrella? I get the hat – obviously, but an umbrella? Why is it such an ugly potato? Surely there were cuter potatoes to model this drawing after.
I am unbelievably disturbed by this picture. I believe another drink is in order.
Maybe that was the whole point.
Well, whatever. Happy New Year.
Happy New Year…almost.
Hey – we work at Bank of No Forks. We can’t be expected to count properly. We’re writers. We’re very creative people.
Just shut up and enjoy it.
It’s all our fault if you need a scapegoat
We’re Moms. We get blamed for everything. It’s always our fault when the kid gets a D in Algebra, or the basketball pump is missing, or there are only left shoes in the kid’s rooms. We can take the heat – like ducks, we let the criticism roll off our backs.
Now that we’re at the end of yet another year where a lot of things didn’t go as planned we thought we go ahead and fall on that sword for you. It will be our community service for the year 2013.
Here you go –
The following things are all our fault:
Obama Care Website: We don’t know what we were thinking setting that site up like we did. We can barely keep this site going and no one comes here but us and you people. How we thought we could get millions of Americans enrolled in health care was beyond stupid. We’re 
not even very fluent with our iPhones much less National Heath Care. We’re idiots and we humbly apologize.
Global Warming: This was also our fault. We’re not sure if we were supposed to make it warmer when it’s cold, or colder when it’s warm, but either way, we failed miserably. You can also tack on wild fires, mud slides, hurricanes, tornadoes and swarms of locusts. We lay prostrate before you.
Miley Cyrus: Yeah, we got nothin’. That girl needs some people. She’s not returning our calls anymore so we’re going to have to wash our hands of her. At least she’s flexible. You gotta give her that. We beg your forgiveness.
The Red Wedding: Wow! That was awful. Horribly, wonderfully awful. To be honest, we 
wish we’d thought of it. If you’re not a reader of the Fire and Ice series by George R. R. Martin you really didn’t see that coming did you? And even if you did read the books, this was just different enough to freak you out. That, our friends, is good damn television. Mind blowing, jaw dropping television. We’re not sorry about this one. If you want, you can transfer your angst to the loss of Khal Drogo. We miss him tremendously.
War on Christmas. Now that the presents have been opened and the new clothes have been worn and the new toys played with, Christmas is dead to us. Take down that damn tree and put that obnoxious crap away. Don’t listen to JoJo Kitty, he’d leave the tree up all year if we’d let him. We love Santa and all, but we want our living rooms back. Our self-reproach knows no limits.
If we’ve missing anything, feel free to load up our comments. We’re willing to entertain all requests.
Revenge is a dish best served with a dash of spite
The house next door to us just went up for sale. We’ve been suspecting as much as a bunch of workmen have been in and out for the last couple of weeks. We weren’t sorry to see the previous neighbors go. They were exceedingly bad to live next to. It was a residence for mentally challenged adults and they were difficult to by. We constantly had trouble with our mailbox being tampered with, which was the residents, and things disappearing, which was the people who worked there. We had to call the police more than once. One time spectacularly involved a naked streaker with excessive body hair on New Years Day
Nevertheless, the for sale sign went up on Christmas Eve.
That house will never sell regardless of all the new gravel spread in the driveway or the paint or whatever the hell they did inside.
Not even if they lower the price to rock bottom levels.
I am certain of this fact.
On the Saturday after Christmas I was awakened by loud yipping from a Lab, ear-splitting baying from a hound dog and screeching from two children. I peeked out the window into the backyard from between the slats of the blinds and found the following scene.
Roscoe the Hound Dog was racing circles around the brand new trampoline, baying in frustration. Winnie the Wonder Mutt was inside the trampoline with the children because she is part kangaroo and was barking with glee. The most troublesome part was the actual children. Sassy was wearing new Christmas pajamas which was mostly OK. The Bandit, however, was jumping with a great deal of exuberance in his underwear. Tighty whities Transformer underwear, yet.
The first time a prospective buyer looks over our fence to see that scene, it’s all over for the realtor.
Serves them right for calling the county on us about the weeds next to the curb.
December 27
We lived through Christmas. We lived through the sales. We lived through the opening of presents and visits from Santa Claus. Hopefully we live through this Christmas cold that seems to want to settle into our chests and declare formal residency. Like it’s trying to get cheaper college rates for its kids or something. We’ve used the new Keurig machine we got and made lots of coffee. We sat, jittering, on the couch and tried to read our new books. The best thing was all the time away from Bank of No Forks. We hope you had a chuckle filled holiday. Here’s some of what we found.
1. Elves in Iceland. The Icelandic people take their elves very seriously. In the last poll, at least 62% of them believe it was possible they exist. These days they even have political representation. They’re called Huldufolk which means “hidden folk.” That’s cute. Come on, admit it. The latest deal with the Huldufolk is that they’re disrupting a highway project that would cut through a lava field and possibly destroy an elvish church. We were hoping for lively evidence such as elvish sabotage or photographic 
evidence. Sadly, they don’t have any, well at least any they’re willing to put in the newspaper. It’s disappointing since this is the magical time of year you’d think elves would show up.
2. Dennis got dissed. US resident jackass, Dennis Rodman, went to North Korea again, but this time he didn’t get a chance to see his “friend” Kim Jong Un. Dennis says he’s not disappointed because he didn’t expect to see Kim every time he goes to North Korea. Still, we bet he cried at night in his hotel, clutching a Beanie Baby and watching sappy American movies dubbed into Korean. Dennis claims he understands that Kim has important work to do for his country and it’s OK, but you know that when Kim sent a note over stating he was working late and wouldn’t be able to make it, Dennis was upset. After all, he washed his hair and everything.
3. Australians know how to celebrate. The police in Melbourne gave away scratcher lottery tickets on Christmas instead of speeding tickets this year. How awesome is that? We know how easy it is to speed on Christmas. It’s stressful when you keep getting calls from your sister every five minutes demanding that you hurry up and get over there so that presents can be opened. Sometimes these things are not your fault and if you live in Melbourne the police understand. Way to go, Australia. We’d get on a plane and get right over there if there weren’t so many terrifying things lying in wait to kill us the minute we got 
off the plane.
4. Darcy the Flying Hedgehog. This Instagram account is so cute we almost hurt ourselves looking at it. We even joined Instagram in order to keep up with her photo shoots. She belongs to a Japanese fellow who is determined to make her the most famous hedgehog in the world. We can’t imagine that’s difficult since we can’t name any other hedgehogs off the tops of our heads. Everyone write your congressmen about making hedgehog ownership legal. It’s just not fair. That’s our mission in 2014. HEDGEHOGS FOR EVERYONE!
5. National Chocolate Day. Is December 28th. That’s tomorrow. Nothing could make us happier. Unless a panda showed up at the house wearing a pair of Prada shoes and carrying a box of Godiva.
Ho ho ho – achooo!
Merry Christmas. I got attacked by a Christmas cold. Not feeling very ho ho ho.
The minute we got home from Grandma’s house on Christmas day, I put on my new sweats/jammies and crawled into bed with a fever and a box of Kleenex.
Today, December 26th, there was no shopping. I sat around in said sweat/jammies and moaned a lot. Took a couple of naps. Tried to read my new Bill Bryson book (One Summer America, 1927 – awesome history book) We went to get some dinner and I didn’t even change out of these clothes. I am proud to say that I did manage to put on a bra. That’s really the extent of what I’m capable of at this point. Wearing underwear.
It’s really hard to be funny when the only sounds you can emit are moans and sneezes.
We hope you’ve been nice this year…
I never really saw Santa as a big fan of bananas, but what do I know?
I’m pretty sure the panda in the bag is for us! We’ve been VERY good this year. Well, at least we’ve not been caught yet.
A Christmas Wish from BirdBoxStudios
If this is what you’re wishing for, then we hope you get it.
A Bright version of the Advent calendar
Three days till Christmas and we have a casualty count.
Number of ornaments sacrificed to Jojo Kitty: 2 – Cinderella’s glass slipper with Gus and Jacque inside, and Tigger.
Number of Gingerbread houses eaten by the dogs: 3 – God damned dogs.
Number of times an orange tabby Godzilla has tromped through the miniature village and stolen the tiny trees: countless
Number of faces burned while baking cookies: 1. Don’t ask. Only I could burn my face while baking. Seriously. It’s ridiculous.